It has been quite a while since I have typed an entry. Noticed that people have lost interest in my blog. I guess I am just such an attention-seeker. Hah! As some of you might have already known and seen, there are new links on my blog! There is the one under the subheading “links” while there are others under the heading “blogroll”. So anyways, I have been wanting to blog on the ones under “links” for a long time now, but haven’t been able to find the time to do so.
So I was bored at night, with nothing to do, after typing in the last entry I think, and went around to read other people’s blogs, then found myself wanting to add on stuff to my blog, finding my blog inadequately done, or so I think, since a lot of people I presume, think that I write too much, too much unnecessary things about the day on my blogs.
Then I wondered to myself, “what is wrong with me?” I mean, I am never happy with what I am, what I have, and even when I finally am, I look at others, and find myself short in certain aspects, and I want to improve on it. In any case, I would feel… I don’t know, envious? Jealous? Angry? Frustrated because I am not as good as others? Well, those are the basic feelings that I get when I am faced with such situations.
I never knew what was it that made me feel this way, never knew, could not even comprehend why I even feel like that, or can’t even comprehend the feeling that I feel. So, I was bored at night, continuing from before, and so I thought to myself, “If other people would search for things other than games and studies, maybe I should.” And so I went to google it.
The word that came to my mind was “Inferiority”. I was expecting a very usual wikipedia definition search results kind of thing, but to my surprise, the first page was entitled “Inferiority complex”. I can’t remember clearly if it were wikipedia, but I went to the page wondering what it was, ’cause maybe it IS what I have searching for, the answer.
I went in, there was a definition, so, I read the definition. And to my surprise, it was exactly what I was searching for. It is queer that I was able to find such an accurate and precise answer right in my face as I have never, in my years of thinking, evaluating my life, anything, been able to conclude so concretely about anything as what the definition of this term had.
I never believed in definitions and words, anything man-made, I could never believe it fully. But this, this somehow just struck me at the pivot of my heart, at that instant of reading, I came to know myself better. A bit? A lot? I don’t know.
Recalling my second TOK lesson, the question was, Who are you? Each of us in our class gave an introduction to ourselves in class. As it came to my turn, when each person spoke, I thought of things to speak on, on the topics of which the person talking was speaking on, yet when it finally reached my turn, I spoke of things which did not make sense, when all I ever needed to say to sum up all of me was “I don’t know myself, I don’t know who I am.” Just as what Marissa did. When my turn passed and it was Marissa’s turn, I wanted to say high-five! But, in any case, that would be silly.
Back to the matter, I don’t know who I really am. When I question myself about myself, I could never find an answer, I look at my characteristics and personality, but they always came into an ending of contradiction. I was always THIS, and THAT, never just THIS only, or THAT only.
This search, was the lighthouse of my life, one of which I do not know if it plays a pivotal role in my life or not, but I know that for now, it lights my path.
Then I think, I think of past times in my life where I felt angry, frustrated, the emotions that I would feel when my complex starts to act up, and then, I wonder, if the resultant feelings like love, jealousy, hate, they were all but just a fluke? Were they really emotions and feelings that I feel totally with my heart, or was it just some chemical reaction in my body that made me feel that way?
But I know for sure, that such feelings, are real, are all me, are all that I feel, what I know I want, what I want to feel, for they are feelings which can’t be just shaken out of me, or voided, or nulled, nor snuffed out by myself or other people. Feelings and emotions are the result of how one is brought up, what one experiences whilst growing up, and it is just but a reflex action. It can be acted, but they will never be real that way.
So, does feelings of let’s say affection in me stirred because of my complex acting up, causing me to feel jealous, envious, wanting, so much so that in the end, I find myself so short, that I rely on that person, I want to rely on that person, thus I feel so? Well, that question’s answer, I cannot really give a definite answer, but I do believe that when I feel that way, the feeling is genuine, and true, and real.
My first post was about me feeling like a star in a milky way. And well, now there is just but a little twist to it; I now feel like a captain-less wandering raft out in the open sea, bound by the horizons, helplessly subjected to the elements and currents to bring me whereever they would.
