literally;
physically;
of eating;
of working;
of schooling;
of life;
of living;
of doing anything;
everything;
of everything;
ly me.
My first time ponning school since primary school. Well, not really ponning, but half-half (?) since I don’t really know what’s wrong with me, my stomach feels queasy, a lot of gas, diarrhoea (however you spell it), very tired, dehydrated, tablet-and-pills-endowed, just everything wrong. I lost much of my appetite, or rather even if I eat I don’t feel like eating, I don’t feel like eating at all, my stomach hurts and I don’t know whether it’s gastric or the stomach acting up.
I’ve lost all knowledge and ability to be able to decipher the signals sent throughout my body, even if they are like shockwaves pulsating through me – the pain and agony. It is then when you miss a day in school and all feels so calm and peaceful that you wished you could be like this all the time, though your conscious, logical part of you, your brain, keeps telling you that you can’t do that as you have to work; earn money to ensure your survival in this world that you manage to avoid the thought of living like this forever; non-chalant and laid back, that you almost immediately think of the pleasant-ness of working so carefree, in the comforts of your home, wishing that you could start working professionally, skipping all the in-betweens like schooling, projects, IAs, EE, TOK, CAS, tests, exams, everything and anything.
The pain that ripped your abdomen to shreds makes you think that you had had it with your life; since you have no idea what’s wrong with you, you think that maybe you have stomach cancer regardless how absurd it is, and you start formulating ways to recite your deathbed speech.
The peacefulness and tranquility of the atmosphere of having no one to bother you, no one at all whilst you try to calm your body down and treat it with care, no stress, no noise, no work, no cars, no buses, just you, you, you, the nature, the trees, the empty streets and you pain, as jarring as the pain is, it almost cradles in your arms so nicely and snugged like a baby in a sea of soft comfy blankets, wrap, encased, only the face is shown to the world, it sleeping so tenderly, so peacefully, that it makes you wish this could go on for eternity, wishing this would last though at the back of your consciousness you know, no, you feel the presence of something, something hindering you from that ideal, and you get hammered back to reality once you figure out what that is.
Everything was fine, fine, even when the greater of the two evils, or so you perceived descended, everything was fine, peaceful, then the lesser did, and your pain was brought back to reality, the vibes rippled through the sheets and layers in your skin, you feel every wave, every ripple of the horrific noise booming from it. You want to reply, but you just fail, fail, you keep silent, letting it reverberate through and through you through and through you.
Now all that’s left of this corpse is but skin and bones, pithed/skewered by a spike from the start of the spine through the forehead, eyes gorged out, tongue cut, ears gone, clothes all tathered, ripped, skin just hanging from the bones like rags on a pole, clinging on for its dear life… sitting… sleeping… all alone… not even the presence of insects, nor bugs…
—–
Well, I must say, if music can do only two things, it has got to be miracles and wonders. Looking through blogs like Jono’s and pictures of yesterday’s concert, I realise and realised that I’ve been focusing too much on the negatives, there is always something good in the darkness, like a bird showering in a puddle of water as what Ronald saw and took photos of and blogged on ^^. (: Credit to this change must go out to all of you, my friends, especially Gladys’ blog song.
Times are hard, everything is hard I guess, well, we are never endowed with easy lives at least. Some people easier than others, but let’s not be calculative, interestingly, though whilst thinking of my death by stomach cancer, I thought of the way my ashes be thrown, and I actually decided that (no matter how this sounds, it comes sincerely as a gesture of love) I would give each and every friend that I hold close and dear to me a portion of my ashes to be scattered how ever they want it to, ’cause no matter my parents made me, you guys made me too. ^^
Looking at how Genevieve enjoyed her birthday yesterday, all the smiles in the pictures, smiles on every other person’s album on facebook of yesterday’s MUSE ‘08, what people did for me, what I did for them, everything and everything, my mind could only come up with a resolution, a resolution to walk stride in stride with my friends, to live well and good, for you guys, for myself, for us, for my family.
Life’s little moments come in short spurs, but leaves a mark that endures and lasts for a lifetime and beyond, whilst life’s trials and tribulations comes in flows, not seemingly stopping, but ever flowing; step out of the flow and even with it flowing, something beautiful may be seen.
If only, if only, this world, is only made up of sweet stuff, how nice it would be! I’d be returning to school tomorrow, and hopefully, the filters to the windows of my soul will let in more of the warm glow of the sun, and cast away the darkness that has kept my room so dull, so stale, so empty, filled with cobwebs.
of being sick;
of being sick;
of not eating;
of not working;
of death;
of not living;
of not doing anything;
of not doing everything;
of not being there;
of not talking in time;
of not saying in time;
of not doing in time;
of standing by;
of trying;
trying so hard;
too hard;
of sickly me.
— <3 —
