Pointlessness

One, I wish for superpowers!

2, I wish for 100 hours a day!

3, I wish that everyday is a holiday!

4, I wish that I can have everything I want!

5, I wish that everything will go smoothly for me!

Well, wishes are wishes, like they say, you aim for the moon, even if you miss, you still land among the stars. plenty has happened this past week. I must say, i have to seriously buck up on my attitude towards things. well, for me, the computer is the root of most of my evil. so to speak. i vow not to on my com after coming home after school but instead work on the work and study the things to be studied in between home from school and dinner. now all thats left is the determination to do so. which… is hard to do… so lets pray / wish.

The week ahead poses a lot of worry and trouble. Well, tests are coming up! It’s insane! Ive 3 tests this coming week, of which, ive studied none yet! hm… wondering why im still doing my blog. oh well. maybe ive over sensitive receptors that tell me that the week ahead will be very tough and draining. i wish ive the strength and resilience to pull through. wads more, ive iop to do. bleh, havent even read finish huck finn. im so dead. deadddd.

falling ill… the worst thing, most probably the most common thing to happen to me when i need to, or want to study. weird it is as whenever i pick up a book to read/memorise/study, ill get hit by either a bad sickness, or just wander into a deep slumber. i guess im not cut out for studying. reading textbooks are such a bore. just cant do it. bio!!! read read… mug mug…. memorise… memorise… bleh. I HAVE TO DO IT! GAMBAROZE!! i wish to be able to memorise and study well and easy.

ive recently been watching this anime which revolves round MUSIC! so cool! i love that show. i guess its one thing to want to do it like they can, but another to be able to even do it at all. watching how pro the characters are, i wished i was as pro, but when i tried to play on the piano, i guess i really have a long long way. high hopes though, hope i can do it.

in view of the coming calamities, i guess i can only pray and wish for me to be able to have the armour and stance to withstand whatever that comes. (:

interesting to note that i have gotten to realise more of the reality of the situation, to be now able to see the facade i was seeing wearing the glasses of hope. i am now able to see the truth of my being, the truth of others, the truth of the matter, the truth of the situation, the truth that was once a lie.

this past week or so has been but just another metamorphophical stage that me, a cocoon, and insect, a caterpillar had to go through. though being able to see the truth, bewilderment has its way of impounding itself on me. i managed to see certain things, yet with that cleared, more sets on, just like the homework in ib. but, i guess i shouldnt complain since it could have been worse.

the exam stress is setting in. exams which are not counted, but they are exams nonetheless, and people always get nervous when they approach despite knowing that the grades are not even counted. need… tuition… bad… ly.

many things happened this week. ive seen and am able to comprehend the phrase, its a dog eat dog world better with a deeper understanding. true, there are many dogs in this world especially in the holistic school of ib. i mean, how can a group of people, all so doggish be able to stand each other and seem so harmonious? interesting isnt it? then again, maybe it follows the idiom, birds of a feather flock together. i wonder if i will be able to fit in the flock. maybe ill just fly solo. suits me just fine. its me. afterall, ive been pretty much a solo flyer since primary school, eating lunch alone in the canteen, and stuff like that. walk home alone, blah blah.

solo. hm. quite nice to have a little personal quiet time sometimes. if i were born on a mountain, my favourite hobby would be to lay under the starry sky and look and gaze upon the stars so bright, and wonder to myself,… well, nothing. just gaze and stare.

so many dogs, so many dogs. i wasnt even spared while walking along the corridor to return to my seat in a lecture theatre from taking a toilet break. daggers had to be thrown at me. too fast. couldnt react. nothing to pinpoint. no aid from all sides. sad. tis sad indeed. rage, fury blew over me, yet a sudden surge of peace and calm swept upon me, gushing the flame of rage away. good for me.

i guess history lays itself in front of you sometimes. sometimes it wraps you up in it. sometimes it constricts you that you could hardly breathe. yet sometimes it gives you a lift up to the highest place you want to be. it can bring you up, it can tear you down.

interesting isnt it? everything goes and comes, unlike common belief, time, that runs linear, but this, this complex system that goes around and comes around, despite our low intellect’s effort to hastily explain and formulate a formula, it is not as simple. it is a system that works in various ways, yet the essence, is fundamental, and is easy. for if one does it continuously, one would reap its benefits.

sometimes that system seems to fail with other people, but work extremely well for you. but remember, this system, a cycle in that system, trascends time, it crosses the boundaries of life and death, it crosses the boundaries of short or long time span. sometimes so long, the end is not within sight. sometimes it is like a rainbow, you see it, but you can never get it. you cant grasp it. it is there, an entity that has no body. an enigma.

enigmas are everywhere in the world. you see them sometimes, yet sometimes you dont. sometimes you think you see, but in fact you dont. but you dont know that sometimes. sometimes you know you see, but its may not be. they are a mystery, never solvable, never definable. we are one example of it.

everyone is an enigma. everyone has secrets that they want to hide. because of that, armour and shields were created. the shape, size, strength, resistivity, form, all different from one another. some defences are pure venom and poison. some are instead pure defensive attack, headon. some are like a veil of gas, unseeable, unfeelable, unsmellable; nothing. these roam into your everything, and when wanted to, will strike at where it hurts. precision differs from one veil of gas to another. however, this pain, internally inflicted will never go away. only time, and the heart, can heal it and nurse it back to health.

a mirror is wad i need, its wad i seek. may it show truth and nothing but the truth, for lies are worthless nothingness of pretence, useless. may a mirror appear in front of me, in my life, shining brightly, eternally.

ive been thinking, thinking a bit, not really alot, i think. this very day, ive worried people. this very day, ive made people sad. this very day, ive made people guilty. this very day, ive made peoples’ day negative. i dont think ive much to say, much to say about anything, anything at all. all i can do is to wonder at myself. i dont know myself anymore, i vaguely grasp my purpose, i cant tell my right from the left. i cant see wad is real, wad isnt. i cant noe if wad im doing will have wad kind of an impact on myself. this past week has been nothing but a period of ambiguity from within myself. suddenly, ive lost myself. i dont know who i am anymore. i nid to rediscover.

the windows to my soul are tired, my soul itself is tired. i nid to rest, but time and tide doesnt allow it. im veering off course i feel, sense and see. but to get back on track, it seems very difficult. ive let down people. many people to that. people ask me how i manage my time in order to sleep 7 hours a day. i cant say much, but i guess i just do. i guess life has been merciful on me, that the homework doesnt pile that much that fast, but at the pace im working at. my tiredness may have kicked in the body’s defence mechanism – play. play wilfully, with almost no regard of urgency of other matters. homework. so much homework, so much tedious matters to encounter and solve in each case, so tiring.

as if not being able to sit and study for a while isnt bad enough, now even me trying to do my homework for a while is tough. i mean, look at me, im typing away at the computer, typing down my own reflections that i process through my mind probably 10 times faster than at wad im going now, and just doing this instead of getting down and doing my work. i feel burdened. by myself. i complain much, but i dun do much in return. my pen has run out of ink, yet im so lazy as to just go to the school co-op to by the refill. despite me going down for recesses after recesses everyday. i just wonder. wonder to myself, wad is going on with me? wads going wrong with me? wads wrong with me? yet as i search for the answer, much time has passed by. some people say this time is not really wasted as you go through self-awareness, you understand yourself better and are able to work round your weakness and more on your strengths. but, i find that wad im doing is a waste of my time. as i always have these periods of time where i look for myself again, and it hasnt been just once or twice, but more. and so if in the future there were to be more instances like these, then finding myself again and again for such long periods of time, is but just a waste of time when i could be doing much more stuff.

but the fact remains that i would be unable to carry on doing anything efficiently unless i am able to get over these obstacles. my weekends are burning away every week, and is expected to burn away more. i wonder how long i can last in this race, this marathon to attain high standards, the pinnacle of studying. i hate studying anyways. so mundane and boring. i dun mind getting interesting facts and stuff everyday, but studying them, revising…. bleh. i feel like sleeping now. the time is 10.15. so tired. how i would give to be able to skip school for a day and just relax and rest. rest through and through. guess that would only be but a figment of my imagination.

i forgot whom ive promised to get together with… oh ok, i remember now.

hm. maybe i should just rest now, and get my energy to the max tomorrow, and ill rush all my work tomorrow after school and after all the extra things that i have to do. yea! okay. thats wad ill do. then EE topic will be streaming right beside my work. and ill have to remember to bake bryan his white choc muffins. and ill need to remember to collect money from a certain person who is late for payment for a certain good. i forgot something that i need to remember… but okay! my purpose is back. still need to find myself. hopefully in the process(es), ill find him.