It’s times like these where after being dipped, swirled, whirlpooled in a fermenter of acid and sludge, you emerge realising many things of late. Well, they probably existed everyday of your life, just that you never saw or knew.
You get sentiments like, aw, she loves me, or, aw, he loves me. Yet, with a striking blow, you get baseballed back into base and realise more things, that as much as he and/or she loves you, you tend to still detest the way things are being done; done to you, done to your life.
You find many things arbitrary (sounds familiar to a blog’s name); suffering being one of them, happiness being one of them, pain being one of them, life, being one of them. Everything seems peripheral, or rather your innocent and pure and angelic and naive mind tells you, but in fact they delve deeper than any crevace that you can find.
True it is ironic that none of these are true because your mind is just not pure nor innocent, but dark and evil as you acquire knowledge, but as you tread these long roads and passages through the ever omniscient time and space that capacitises all of us, you find that this fact still remains that nothing is peripheral.
I’m reading a book called The Lucifer Code, a book that explores religion and science, coexisting, yet repelling. With it, it draws out the endlessness to possibilities in life, where everything and anything can be anything and everything or vice versa in both contexts.
Dropping a hurdle tripped upon during this race, this mad mad race, I have decided to move on. There will always be certain things I’ll tend to hold on, that as I run on, I’ll turn to look back, but in this incapacitation by time and space, I know I cannot be dragged on the ground, but must find a footing and stride and pace with time, so that I shall not trip no more.
Looking ahead are dark times and tides, but in this rain, this thunderstorm, I hope to find peace in my heart, relish the rain that falls on me. I require many things in my life, for personal benefit, no less, the activation energy that I need to spur myself to strive, to constantly spur myself to strive for… my goals?
As I run on, I realise, that maybe these goals were never mine, however much I chose them. I know in my heart that the ultimate goal that I ever wanted, was to live in times just before industrialization, where there a period of peace, where I could be a boy in a cobbled road town, living in the outskirts, farming, rearing, sheperding.
All I want is to relax and live that kind of life, with a loving and warm family, with friends that will most probably never leave you, with a society so closely knit all the members are your family, no one is a stranger.
The storm is starting. The rain falls down in trickles as the thunder rolls and drums in a far distance. I’m negotiating, as autumn’s first cold hard rain falls on my forehead.
