my love
cant begin to describe how music is able to emote me. listening to certain music just really gets to me. sends me into a contemplative mood. happy, that sweet-honey feeling as i think of far away thoughts, a smile across my face, thinking up what-ifs. (if only, how great it would be). it funny though, how when that music ends, an abrupt cessation occurs. and the only thought in me is to replay. the temporary happiness as it would always be… the need to continue, to find it again and again… the need to continue the thoughts that are running in front of my eyes, to submerge, immerse in those happy thoughts of what-ifs, in the emotions of being what may be, hope to be, wish to be, and the more distasteful thoughts of what-if-not (no, i shall throw those away though the bitter aftertaste remains in my mouth for a while).
looking out the window, people, cars, traffic, construction, nature, the setting sun. i feel like i was experiencing numbness to this suffering world i was born into, maybe even moments of what could be like when ascending to heaven. escape? make belief? clinging to that hope i could only indulge in what i told myself to believe in. of what could be. of what things could… … … … or could not mean…
like a projector of sorts, scenes flash in still frames upon the white screen in my mind. fast, but vivid. almost a blur, yet so define it leaves a mark. burned. scarred. thinking, thinking… no certainty to anything, yet with the conscious mind harping on the possible harsh realities, subconsciously, escaping to neverland… or was it the opposite? nevermind.
the trip allows for many repeats, obsessed with going on and on in this blissful turmoil. rolling, blending, mixing. on the side, questions rise… no answer… repeat… no answer… repeat… repeat…
questions of past pulled up from their watery graves. answered.
now to focus on present issues. i realise. vowed to myself i should never. important, but not as pressing. answer following… yes. because… yes. next question…
its as if music became my answer to my questions. my problems. music was like a magical force of telekinesis making everything around light and floating, only when it stops, the reality of physics strikes a hard hand across your face. nonetheless, issues of the past are now resolved. i now know my answers, yet i do not know if i should commit these beliefs into truth, fact, my life. for in physics i know, that the larger you are, the harder you fall, and it always hurts. if yes, to be, and yes, to be, then yes, to be or not shall no more be a question anymore. or so i should think.
doubts and unlikelihoods still fill my inquisitive, pessimistic mind which is at times paranoid. yet ive decided to live as i am for things like these, i believe runs in the threads of fate. through my numerous dreams, i can only tell that it is probably inevitable that we all are travelling on a one way path on the thread of fate, just which one we can’t always tell through those dreams for it is perhaps that those from other threads intertwine and is shown to us on this very one that we exist on.
i must say, thanks music. i wish i could listen to more of you, and less of me singing… maybe only sometimes. haha. what can i say, i literally love singing. =)
